I am the Sensual Genius- Zine edition 2

As a result of being a sensual massage provider, I've thought a lot about why the subject of sexuality and sexual expression are so emotionally charged, as well as stigmatized. Why do people have such strong feelings around sex? Even the sexual expressions of others?

This area of human experience is so charged and sometimes even polarizing. I feel like a lot of this is due to the strength of our sexual feelings, and how powerfully transformative sexual experience can be. There is no greater violation of a person's autonomy than to violate them sexually, because on the opposite end of the spectrum, the beauty of connecting deeply with another person sexually can completely alter the way we define ourselves.

But sexuality can only transform us in a positive way if it is infused with sensuality. Sensual expression is an aspect of sexuality, but sexuality isn't always held within the foundation of sensual grace. Sexual activity devoid of sensual intelligence is rugged and functionary, but sexual acts maintained in the light of a connection to the spirit of sensuality are evolving acts of kindness which bring a new life force energy to each person involved.

To define this further, we can think of sexuality like intelligence and sensuality like wisdom. Just all forms of intelligence can function in the absence of wisdom, but to develop wisdom we need a foundation of intelligence, we can have a sexual experience devoid of sensuality.

But sensuality, like our sexual drive, requires at least a modicum of desire to please one's own senses, and to know the world around the self through a feeling of pleasure. And then, by our intention and the way we surrender to our sexual impulses, we can use our sexual experience as a way to evolve our own sensual nature.

Pleasure is a very powerful motivator in the human psyche. For the feminine within us, sensual pleasure in combination with emotional experience is the pinnacle of good feelings.

Not only women have feminine energy within them. Both men and women have a balance of masculine and feminine energy within each of us, we need the functioning of this balance for our spiritual evolution. When we commit to living sensually, we don't turn away from wanting to understand all expressions of what it means to be alive in a human body.

I've often asked myself, how does spiritual evolution function within the sacral chakra? When we understand the sacral chakra to be the conductor (or the transmitter and receiver) of the energy moving from one person's body to the other, and the witness of the emotional reaction to the reception and regeneration of this energy, it becomes clear that the way this energy flows is based in our intention.

We can experience this pleasure as a self-oriented goal; that is, not concerned with the impact we have for the other. Or we can know it with an intention to give as much or more than what we receive.

We can experience pleasure with the intention to deepen our own nature. We can give and receive sensual pleasure with the intention to find out what it feels like to interact with the movement of life force energy as it flows through and within another person's physical being.

When I am with a client, my intention is to keep my heart open, so they have the opportunity to soften into their own experience of a more heart centred feeling of their own sensuality.

Often, I notice this heart connection in the quality and intensity of the orgasm a guy experiences with me. I find this fascinating, that without sexual penetration, I can bring a man to a very heightened experience, perhaps even more pleasurable than what he would experience with sex.

This is the power of sensuality. It is really an essence of grace, a portal to access a higher and deeper level of esteem and regard for the experience of touch.

As is often said, the greatest erogenous zone is the mind. I've always been fascinated with consciousness, and how we can access and develop our conscious understanding of the world around us as well as our own personal influence and sense of agency within it.

I am not very interested in politics as much as I am in spirituality, but it seems that so much of the political dysfunction in the world is at least partially rooted in an inability to be flexible in regard to other people and their experience of life.

This inflexibility indicates a stagnation within sacral chakra energy. Which makes me wonder, why do we have this collective and somewhat pervasive inability to balance our sacral chakra energy. For instance, why do need to be right rather than be curious about the other person's perspective?

Perhaps we can trace this need to have one's way back to an imbalance in sacral chakra energy- specifically, an imbalance in the masculine and feminine energy. The masculine energy initiates and the feminine energy responds. The masculine energy penetrates, (energetically, as exploration, as discovery, as interest) and the feminine energy receives (energetically, as tenderness, as opening, as willingness to be loving).

In this way, through interpersonal dynamics, we can go from two people living in our own complexity to two people in relationship, and growing our own consciousness within the internal harmonics of one person to another.

Of course, this back and forth between individuals requires a mutual respect. These kinds of interactions do not function if one person is respectful and the other is a jerk. By “jerk” I mean someone who is carrying a dysfunction in their sacral chakra energy that creates an imbalance within their own masculine and feminine energy. Resulting in this person feeling like they need to control the interaction to compensate for their own lack of internal balance.

We'll return to this conversation of the dynamics between the masculine and feminine energy within the sacral chakra a little later. First, I'd like to introduce a historical presence of the sacred divine feminine. She is not who you might expect her to be.

Her role in ancient society was as an embodiment of the goddess through her natural feminine grace. But even before knowing more about this aspect of the eternal divine feminine, I'd like to share one experience that illustrates the lack of regard society's perception of sensual energy providers seems to give some people license to overlook my stated boundaries.

For me, this is an example of how the collective regard for sensual and sexual expressions have degenerated away from beauty, evolution and healing to coercion and power plays.

At the time that I write this, I have been receiving texts from a guy attempting to entice me with money to have sex with him without a condom. I usually block any numbers of guys asking me to have sex, as I state very clearly on my website and in a video description of my service that I do not offer “full service” (the term for sex in the sex work industry). I'll block this guy too for sure, but what I find interesting about this particular guy is that he keeps increasing his offer, thinking that I will do it for the right price. Even though I mention on my video that I am not really motivated by money. Not in the way a lot of service providers are. Indeed, so many people in society are short sightedly motivated by money.

Years ago I explored the archetypes as defined by medical intuitive Caroline Myss. She says we all have four primary archetypes, the child, the victim, the saboteur, and the prostitute. The prostitute is the aspect of our consciousness that is willing to compromise our integrity because of fears relating to our physical survival needs. Essentially, Myss says this archetype shows up all the time in the ways we compromise our ethical standards through little white lies and deceptions in the workplace.

When the prostitute shows up it is us who are being deceived. It is by thinking that we can do something we know is not in accord with our own integrity, for the sake of going along with what would bring us profit. It is not speaking up when we know something is wrong, pretending we don't know others or even ourselves are being harmed, and other ways of breaking our moral conduct.

So let's explore my situation with this guy in the light of how Myss defines the archetype of the prostitute within all of us. What would I be compromising? Well, primarily, my own health. Sex without a condom with a complete stranger?! And yet he thinks that I value myself so little that for now- at his latest offer I would compromise my health for the measly sum of $1000. Ummmm yeah. No thanks dude.

And beyond the health risk, how would I feel about myself to know that I could be bought, that my inner standards for myself could be completely overlooked by my own self, for this small amount of money. Or for any amount of money, for that matter.

The ethics in question are about how I view myself, and what I see as my value. This is a situation involving not only my body, but also my sense of integrity as an individual. My own personal ethical standards are deeply integrated into how I continue to function in the world as an open hearted individual.

To go against myself, and who I believe I am, I would have to shut off an aspect of myself, and my heart space, to allow this person to do something to me that is against my own will for myself in my heart space. And as I just described, my value is not in allowing a guy to penetrate me, my value is how I open my heart to create a space for a man to experience his connection to sensual grace.

When I'm faced with these kinds of situations, it makes me think about the weird dynamics we as a society have with money, and power, and our own sense of self. In western cultures making money with as little effort as possible is such a popular idea right now, but no one is questioning how to account for the value of our contribution to the whole.

But at the end of our lives, all we have to take with us is who we have been in this lifetime. Our money means nothing. To believe in any kind of after life, or a continuity to our mental continuum, or soul's evolution, means that we need to account for the continuity of our consciousness into the next aspect of our evolving self. Considering this, no amount of money is worth compromising the expansion of our consciousness.

And still, prostitution is said to be the world's oldest profession. Why is this? The need for connection with others, including sexual needs, are secondary only to our basic survival needs. While conventionally humans believe this to be a male centred need, I don't entirely agree with this. I know that women have strong desire for sexual interaction and fulfillment, we just have different requirements to fill these needs. But this is another conversation.

For the sake of what I would like to share right now, we will explore the history of how men have met their needs for sexual fulfillment through prostitution. In particular, I want to share with you the history of the sacred prostitute.

I know that for some people, the idea of a sacred prostitute is an oxy moron. I might have thought the same before I started offering sensual massage, which for those of you who read the first edition of my zine, wasn't because I had a particular interest in advocating for sex work.

Although I would say that I was someone who was sex positive, meaning, I didn't judge other people's sexual expressions and have always been non-judgemental regarding sexual preferences and expressions. With the exception of any kind of coercion of course. But I didn't fully understand the intricacies of the dynamics involved in the client- sex work provider relationship until I began to offer these services, nor did I realize just how much opportunity there is for healing on both sides.

Of course, these opportunities are not often realized, as many women who offer these services do so for other reasons than to expand their consciousness and develop greater compassion for others. However, these are the modus operandi for a sacred prostitute.

While the origins of the sacred prostitute are unknown, the truth is that prostitution is the oldest profession, and will continue regardless of legality. Recently I had a conversation with a client, in which we both agreed that sex work in general needs to be made legal for many reasons, mainly for regulation of services and to stop human trafficking in the sex trade.

The services I offer are not illegal like escort, ie full sexual services, so they slide under the radar and many women are brought to Canada from other countries, and forced to do “massage”. This is often much more than just massage. The exploitation of young women in this way is one reason society looks down on the people who seek out these services, because they are unaware that some women are offering them of their own free will choice.

There are some women who chose to do this and are not under the influence of outside force or a drug addiction or something else that is keeping them somehow enslaved to the offering of sexual services. Over the years I've known several women who offer sensual massage.

I've also connected with a lovely caring woman who offered sexual surragacy, which is sexual services for people with physical disabilities such as cerebal palsy and other physical impediments that create obstacles to sexual companionship.

We do it for many different reasons, but none of us feel bound to it because we have no other choice. Although, having said this, I have seen the stigmatization from outside sources take its toll on the way we relate to the world around us. I am usually quite open about the work I do, as are some other women I have known, but I always expect I will have to to explain myself and my choices when I tell anyone about what I do. Usually I am okay with this, because I am happy to educate others about the nature of my work.

I also feel like sensual touch is not always regarded as an essential aspect of the human experience, while in my experience I know how important it is for a person's overall well being. While there are people in society who have strong minds and are able to find fulfillment for this aspect of human experience in other ways- I am thinking of my spiritual teachers who are ordained Buddhist monks and nuns and who exhibit a level of happiness beyond what I observe in the rest of society- most people require some level of intimate touch to feel mentally balanced.

Taken within the perspective of the whole of humanity, we need to feel the closeness of an intimate witness to our sensual vulnerability. One argument I could make for the role of the “sacred prostitute” in today's world is that the relationship between self and other as observed in the sensual interaction is often fraught with underlying codependent patterning that further entrenches our personal wounding.

When we engage intimate relationships from this place it doesn't allow the healing that is available to us as when we engage with unconditionally loving sensual interactions. While there is no reason two people in an intimate relationship cannot discover this level of sophisticated loving intimate dynamic between them, when we begin a relationship with certain expectations of the other person that determine them and their actions toward us to be the source of our happiness, our relationship quickly devolves into codependency and sensual healing potential is basically null and void.

I speak from experience in romantic relationships when I say this. I also know from my non-attachment to my clients as a source of my happiness or validation of my own self worth that the way I have been able to transform my idea of self through the interactions with them while engaging my sacral chakra energy is way more powerful than when I have expectations of someone to validate the way I feel about myself.

For my clients too, I can see from their disposition of when they come in and when they leave that they receive a boost in regard to their own self. While everyone comes in for different reasons and intentions, they always leave with a certain level of happiness and ease. I have come to know this as the security of connecting to our own innate sense of self awareness, the presence that lies in the depths of our cellular connection to life force energy. This is the gift of connecting to our sacral chakra awareness.

According to Nancy Qualls-Corbett, in her book The Sacred Prostitute: Eternal Aspect of the Feminine, the principle function of the sacred prostitute was to illuminate the spiritual connection dwelling within the individual by engaging with her in sexual and sensual activity. She describes the ancient practice of men visiting the sacred prostitute in the chapter titled “The Goddess and Her Virgin”.

“Imagine the sacred prostitute greeting the stranger, a world weary man who has come to the temple to worship the goddess of love. No words are spoken; her outstretched arms and the soft, warm expression of her radiant arms and face say what needs to be said.”

She goes on to describe the setting, the temple room scented with herbs and flowers, how she baths him and offers him balm. They eat fresh dates, nuts and fruit and bread dipped in honey. They drink wine from a single silver cup. Then the sacred prostitute turns her back to him, and, removing her robe, gestures for him to stand in front of the image of Venus, to which he kneels and offers a prayer of supplication that she will receive his offering.

In this context and setting the sexual act fulfills a desire for both inner and outer transformation. Meaning, on the basis of our attitudes toward sexuality and bodily expressions we can transform our consciousness through physical intimacy.

Nancy Qualls-Corbett summerizes-

“The woman and the stranger know that through the consummation of the love act is consecrated by the deity though which they are renewed. The ritual itself, through the presence of the divine, (italics mine) is transforming. The sacred prostitute, no longer a maiden, is initiated into the fullness of womanhood, the beauty of her body and her sexuality. Her true feminine nature is awakened to life. The divine element of love resides within her.

The stranger too is transformed. The qualities of the receptive divine nature, so opposite to his own are embedded deep within his soul; the image of the sacred prostitute is viable within him. He is fully aware of the deep emotions within the sanctuary of his heart. He makes no specific claims on the woman herself, but carries her image, the personification of love and sexual joy, into the world. His experience of the mysteries of sex and religion opens the door to the potential of on going life; it accompanies the regeneration of his soul.”

What I offer to my clients is not exactly the same as this. I don't work at a temple- I have a little room down a corridor of a building in the downtown core of the city, with a massage table, a shower, a gas fireplace and some shelving and storage. The shower is very small.

I don't bathe them as the sacred prostitute would, they just shower themselves beforehand. We chat, and I help them feel comfortable and welcome. I don't offer them fruit plates or lick the honey from their fingers, or drink spiced wine from a single cup.

Sometimes I visit my clients at their homes or hotels, and I meet them in the hotel lobby for a drink or have a drink with them at their home. And as for requiring them to make prayers to the goddess beforehand, well, those expressions of reverence to the divine are not of today's world. Unfortunately for those of us who adore expressions of reverence!

The meaningful act of creating an intention is lost on most people in today's world. Intention setting is what you do to manifest your best life, from what I have noticed. It is not often used to engage with spiritual principles with the awareness that we are able to access deeper understanding of the trajectory of our consciousness and mental continuum.

But this doesn't mean that my clients don't connect with a deep intention to expand their knowledge of self as being a continuum of consciousness with the ability to evolve. They just don't do it with their mind in a consciously focused way.

I've noticed that the more emotionally available my clients are when they come to see me, the deeper the experience is for them. When a client is in an emotional and open heart space, they always comment on how unique the experience was for them, and how it altered them in some way.

They use different language; some say it was healing, some say my hands and touch are magical, some comment on how deeply they feel connected to me and how much they feel seen by me. Some just thank me with so much appreciation that I can sense they feel a movement in their hearts.

It's like a release of something that had been stuck and holding on to their idea of themselves. A letting go of an aspect of their mind that had been holding on to an idea of themselves that kept them locked into a pattern that didn't allow them to grow.

Sometimes my clients and myself talk about how unique and experience it is that we can meet as stranger's and still have this profoundly transformative time together. From my perspective, there are a few aspects of the dynamic of the provider-client relationship to facilitate this type of interaction.

These aspects also create the safety for me to be able to be open hearted and generous with my emotional warmth while still maintaining my personal autonomy. My autonomy is stated by me in the introduction on my ad and website. I have created a video that I ask all potential clients to watch, in which I clearly state my physical boundaries (no sex, no oral, no kissing- nothing with my mouth) and then describe my services.

I communicate what I feel my value is, which is that I am very loving and open hearted and good at connecting with people. I operate in a very open hearted, almost naive way in the world. I've always been naturally receptive to others, and because of this I've learned how to 'shield' myself from the negative projections from other people while maintaining my inner feeling of compassion toward them.

As I said in my previous zine, I have a solid screening process for my clients so I don't see creepy guys. The men I see are all very kind and appreciative of me. They are just happy to have someone take the time with them. Because they are clear on what they will receive from me when they come to see me- a receptive and open hearted female who they are attracted to, someone to listen to them if they need to feel seen and understood, someone who will give them loving touch, someone to hug them if they need a hug.

Because these boundaries are stated outright, I am able to relax and be open and friendly to the person in front of me. And the guy knows he can relax and have some sweet feminine energy in his life. This creates an atmosphere for both of us to be in our best qualities, with no expectations of each other outside of those agreed upon by social convention.

That is, the guy pays for the services and I follow through with what I say I will do. A great massage, a listening ear, interesting conversation if they want it, and most of all, very healing energy.

Because all of this is agreed upon ahead of time, and we both know what to expect, there are no expectations outside of this and the vibe doesn't get weird with codependent dynamics. Sometimes guys who see me regularly start to get a little codependent*, at which point we have to deal with it, but this is a whole other conversation. For the most part, the interaction works because the parameters of the interaction are set from the beginning.

*Codependency definition- in a relationship, the parameters are defined by expectations that one or both people believe are connected to their personal sense of value or self worth. For example, saying to the other person, or implying, that if they don't accompany you to an event you want to go to and they are indifferent to, their not wanting to go implies they don't feel the same for you as you do for them. Codependency is a systematic endeavouring to control the behaviour of the person you are in relationship with, and it can ruin the relationship. The key to stopping codependency in relationships is to know your own value by understanding how to love people unconditionally. When we love others unconditionally, we can give love freely without attachment or needing something in return. We also know how to love people quietly, in our hearts, without showy demonstrations that are not appropriate in certain circumstances.

I want to highlight the importance of both people involved being clear on the intentions and expectations of the other. To me, this is what makes the interaction clean and resilient to degrading into something that could be spiritually or emotionally harmful to one or both people. We can have emotional responses to each other, but they don't have to get messy and devolve our potential for personal growth and transformation.

Our own spiritual growth and transformation depends on our inner balance. With interpersonal dynamics, the inner masculine and feminine energy within our own energy is always fluctuating and finding ways to resolve this fluctuation within the interaction with the other person. Our own personal mastery is the way we resolve this inner balancing.

We can always find balance, regardless of how the other person is responding to us. It's when we are looking for a certain response from the other person to create this balance within ourselves that codependency finds a foothold in our energy.

I am the Sensual Genius- Zine edition 1

Codependency hurts us as individuals because it hurts our relationships with others. When we are operating from codependent patterns we form expectations of others that are unrealistic, and by doing so, we undermine our own personal agency.

A good way of knowing if you have a codependent expectation of someone is to ask yourself, would you want that person to have the same expectation of you?

Or to have similar expectations of you that would limit what you know to be your autonomy and individual freedom?

Is holding this expectation necessary for you to feel cared for in this relationship, or is the expectation based in a need you have created from a fear you might not want to or be able to acknowledge?

And if the other person expected the same of you, what would the consequences of this expectation be for your autonomy, and is this expectation your responsibility?

Often when we have a codependent bond with someone, we want them to always be there for us when we feel like we need them, but consider them clingy when we are feeling like we're more emotionally stable and balanced,

resulting in push pull dynamics and a lot of unprocessed hurt feelings.

Which are feelings the other person isn't accountable to help us resolve. This is just one dynamic that can play out in codependency.

We fall into codependent patterns when we are disconnected from our own sense of self worth, when we seek Approval from others rather than for who we know ourselves to be at our core.

And yet because we all want to be liked, and we all want for others to see our value, sometimes we tune our personal sense of self to the way other people are responding to us.

So much so that we sometimes bend our own version of authentic expression, thus permitting ourselves to maintain a facade to bridge a connection with another.

Being disconnected from our own authenticity happens more easily when we form sexual bonds with another person. For this reason we need to have a strong sense of self. When our sacral chakra energy is activated through sexual connection, if our feeling of belonging is tenuous we can be easily upset by a slight misunderstanding of our sexual partner's behaviour.

I am not saying we should tolerate behaviour that is clearly outside of the agreement two people have with one another about their relationship- it is clear that cheating, lying, lies of omission are all toxic to relationships.

But what happens is, we can begin to depend on, to rely on, the other person's perspective of who we are to maintain our own sense of well being. Sometimes we ask others to scaffold our own personal truth when this is really not their responsibility.

It's like we need them to mirror back to us how we want to be seen, when the other can never be in accord with our own personal truth 100% of the time.

If you meet someone who sometimes mirrors who you feel yourself to be in your heart at all you have found a remarkable relationship; don't mess it up by asking them to always be this for you.

When we love someone, it is our choice to love them, even in spite of their faults. I've never met a perfect person. The best way to heal relationship dynamics we don't like is to turn the focus back toourselves and change our perspective and our own behaviour.

People sometimes say, “love yourself first.” I feel that the thing is to like yourself. Build on your strengths, your good qualities. Then, let others find love for you for what you give to the world. Be your best in whatever way that is, so you allow your heart to shine. And let your shining heart draw in the love like a magnet.

I want to share with you how my internal relationship to co-dependent patterns has changed as a result of me doing sensual massage. Because doing this work has helped me sort out this dynamic in the practice of relating to others through their sacral chakra, (ie, pleasure, creativity, the expression of self in the world at large, desire, becoming self, the moment by moment who am I now)-

I realized I am the one person who can set the standard for how I am in the world.

Sensual massage is considered sex work. Because it is an unregulated industry, it is open to many different interpretations. What I do is not the same as a lot of other people in my field offer in terms of service(s)- everyone has different intentions for doing this work.

And, over the years I have found that certain boundaries are necessary for me to maintain so as to not yield my integrity. I also know that sexual interaction isn't necessary for a fulfilling sensual experience. It's about the heart connection.

And to generate a feeling of a strong heart connection to another person, who is often a complete stranger (unless they are a repeat client) I need to have a strong heart connection to myself.

This work has taught me the strength of personal agency. When I am able to be authentically myself, to know who I am and my value, it is an unassailable truth that projects outward from me without any assertion on my part.

Holding this truth in my heart space, I can be both fierce and gentle at the same time. Nothing is more powerful than the energy of unconditional love. But you have to find this love for yourself first.

(In my experience, unconditional self love is built on liking your experience of yourself. It is enjoying the way you express yourself in the world. It is respecting who you are when you interact with others. It is being kind, friendly, and caring about others- when you care about others, it becomes only natural you care about yourself).

The interesting thing about giving sensual massage is that two people, who are complete strangers to each other, can come together for this experience, and that it works.

We can have totally different perspectives, different interests, even different values to a certain degree. I don't need to know very much about the guy I am giving a massage to- all I need to know is that he has agreed to the terms of my service- that I will not have sex with him, kiss him, or give him a blow job.

There are many auxiliary services related to those I just listed that I also don't do but you could find with other sensual massage providers. Over the years I've been surprised at some of the things I've been asked if I do. But this is a whole other topic of conversation.. let's just leave it at, I have always been more interested in connecting heart to heart rather than in a sexual way with my clients. I believe that is where my value shines through.

Just as I was one provider amongst hundreds of other providers, I found that there were lots of guys who were looking for sensual massage services. All people are unique, we all have different needs, and different ways of being in the world.

How does a sensual massage provider know which potential clients to see and which to decline? When new potential clients would contact me, I quickly learned which to accept and which to ignore. I learned that when I respect myself, it is easy to know who will respect me.

People are all very different and yet so much the same. The core of what we want is happiness, but-our personal life experience, our connection to the truth of who we are, our ability to flow with what comes to us in any given moment determines how we connect with others.

I love to be with a person, and to sense into their desire to be known through interaction with another person, and then to ease them into that experience. I love to anticipate someone's desire. To be touched softly, or with more pressure, and to feel their body respond by yielding, softening and giving way to what is natural to all living beings. Which is the experience of grace as it is meant to be shared between us.

Tenderness flows through the anticipation of being seen and acknowledged without judgement.

For many years I've wanted to share my perspective on giving sensual massage, but I withheld myself for fear of being judged.

But I know what I do has value. I see many men, some of them in relationships but whose partners no longer want intimacy, some of them who just left relationships and are wanting to have an experience of intimacy of the heart. Some men are socially awkward and have a hard time meeting women.

Some men are confident and have an easy time meeting women but aren't in a relationship and they want a moment of connection with someone. Some men are really busy with work, and don't have time for a relationship but want warm and loving sensual touch and massage with a genuine emotional connection.

Sometimes I see men with very real trauma around intimacy, that they can't work out with talk therapy, and they need someone who can just be with them, without judgement or expectation.

I could go on, because there are so many variations on these themes. The essential point is, I believe all of these men deserve to have a nice connection, with no expectations on them other than that they respect my boundaries and pay me what I ask.

To really get to the heart of how I feel this work has helped me uncover and root out my co-dependent patterning, let me first explain how I began doing this work in the first place. Because it wasn't something I ever planned to do, or thought I had a natural aptitude for and that I should explore it.

In fact, the reason I started doing sensual massage was out of pure necessity.

I will admit I have always been more comfortable in unconventional situations, on the fringes of what is socially acceptable. Although to meet me, I might seem quite mild mannered and innocent, I tend to swim against the current.

In my mid thirties, I found myself a single parent, having just liberated myself from an abusive relationship. I don't see myself as a victim to this. I'm not including the fact this to gain sympathy, or to place blame for my situation on anyone. It's more to show the state of mind I was in. Because I realize it was my own co-dependent patterning that kept me stuck in this relationship.

It takes two. The reason I kept going back to him time and time again was because I thought I had what he needed to heal. I thought I could fix him; I thought I could rescue him from himself.

But I was never meant to be his saviour, just as he was not meant to be my oppressor. But all this to say, is that having left the relationship, I found myself in need of a lot of time and space to heal, and without a lot of mental capacity to focus on finding a job that would support myself and my kids.

I had also just finished my BA in psychology, and while I had planned to complete a Master's degree, my swimming against the stream presented endless challenges for me to find my place within institutionalized learning. I was exhausted from always trying to fit myself into places I didn't belong.

As luck would have it, I was living in a home with a large spacious basement in East Vancouver, Canada. At that time, many of the residents of homes with basements were cultivating one of British Columbia's most lucrative plants, marijuana. So I joined them! I grew weed in my basement for about a year and a half.

This gave me the time and freedom to tend to my outdoor garden. To lie in the sun and let the earth absorb the shock of my previous years of trauma. I played my guitar and sang my heart free in the sunny space of my kitchen, and danced to my favourite music around my living room. I made a stop motion film about my childhood relationship with my gramma who gave me unconditional love. I healed.

As times are always changing, this run of luck came to an end about a year and a half later when I had to move out because the house was sold to developers. And so I had to find a new home and a new source of income.

While I was out of the heaviest shock in my post abusive relationship phase, I still hadn't quite found my bearings and was definitely not ready to be in a position that added any more weight to my responsibilities as a single mom.

I found a job as an assistant to a textile creator, which I found less than satisfying. I was serving someone else's dreams and desires, while earning barely enough to keep me afloat financially.

Then one evening, as I was riding my bike home from work, I was hit by a car. This event shook me up physically and emotionally, and I really started to question where my life was headed. Was this my destiny? To be serving someone else's creative desires, while always putting my own creativity on the back burner? And to be earning so little that I didn't even have enough to go on a fun vacation with my kids once a year? No extras, just barely getting by. I knew I needed to make some changes.

I didn't want to go back to institutionalized education, because I knew myself enough to realize I am unable to fit myself into the appropriate container to earn the required degree that would bring me stability. I knew that at the end of my degree I still wouldn't have stability because when I did earn this degree I would not be happy or fulfilled in the subsequent profession.

But I also knew I had to do something. And I knew I had something to offer, although when I looked at the options I was familiar with, nothing seemed right for me. I was a funky shaped peg trying to fit into lots of different shaped holes, and the right hole was not clear to me.

To find it, I had to do something- but I had no idea what. Lucky for me, my parents had taken many chances in their lives on blind faith. So I followed their example, and relying on my inner instinct and trust in the knowing that my prayers are answered, I told my boss that I wanted to cut my hours in half. I didn't fully quit; that would come later.

But I decreased my work load, to free myself up to follow my dreams, even though I didn't fully know what they were.

I gave myself a couple of months to come up with a plan to supplement the income I would be losing from my decreased hours, but when the two months were up, I still had nothing.

So one night, I was with a few friends, and talking with them about my predicament. What was I going to do? I had bills, I had to feed my kids, and I had decreased my already small income. One of my friends said, why don't you do what this person (who, at the time, did sensual massage) does? She makes $180 an hour. I have a massage table you can use. And my other friend said, you can rent my apartment as a studio. And within a week, I had posted my first ad to do sensual massage.

That was a little over twelve years ago. It hasn't been an easy journey; although there are benefits to doing this work sometimes it does feel a bit weird to be on the edges of conventional society. And yet I still don't see a place for me within the confines of the conventional world.

I have tried other jobs over the years but I always come back to doing massage. The reason being is that when I do other things I just never feel like I am able to be of as much use as I am giving massage.

It is a particular skill set; I create an energetic bubble and fill it with love from my heart, to invite someone in and hold them in love- a love that does not surrender to their needs over mine, a love that does not yield to their desire for more intimacy than what I am comfortable to give. The reciprocity, in that they are also accountable to my happiness, is what grows both of us in the experience.

The skill I have found is--- being able to see someone for where they are at, and tenderly match their energy with my own authenticity.

This is the intimacy of true human moments, it is the intimacy of human to human connection. It is eye contact, it is listening with an open heart, it is being interested and caring. Really, truly caring.

Sex, or sexual interaction, devoid of authentic feeling has nothing on what I have found I am able to offer when I am being my true self. Truly fulfilling connections, for both men and women, happen when the individuals involved are able to be their authentic selves.

In contrast, when people feel like they need to be a certain way for others to like them- in a way, not showing their true self for fear that they will not be accepted- this inauthenticity creates an imbalance in the relationship dynamic.

When they dynamic between people, particularly in sexual interaction, is unstable, then the entire trajectory of interaction can quickly devolve into a projection of what each person thinks the other person wants, without being in tune with the subtle cues both people are exhibiting in their response to each other.

This kind of sexual interaction leaves everyone involved with a feeling of being unfulfilled, which then creates the mental craving for another sexual interaction with someone new.

Inauthentic expression of one's truth is one characteristic of codependent behaviour patterning. When we are authentic we don't try to be something we aren't to make others happy, and we don't mind if other people don't like our authentic expression. Being okay with who we are on the inside, in our own heart, gives us the strength and courage to be ourselves.

This is especially true when we are engaging in any kind of sensual connection. I have noticed that even to snuggle with friends, a closeness that isn't sexual, only feels natural when I am feeling like I can be myself. Closeness to another person requires a closeness to one's own inner self.

Even though I described my beginning of doing sensual massage to be kind of accidental, I also realize it was very serendipitous. Because this kind of work is exactly what I needed to advance spiritually.

Before I started doing massage, I was beginning to wonder about the connection between our spiritual nature and our sexuality.

~~~~~Consciousness, our path through this life, exposure to stimuli and the way we sort through all of it.. trials tribulations excitement and wonder.. why do some people long for more while others are content?~~~~~~

Are we essentially who we are at the time of our first breath? And how do our life experiences shape how we express ourselves throughout our life?

I remember when I was seven years old, my grandpa took me out to buy me a birthday gift. I am a child of the seventies, and in those days we had stores where you could choose a decal to put on a t-shirt. So my grandpa took me to create my own t-shirt. I chose a t-shirt decal that said,

“May you always have the freedom to be yourself”

Thinking about the irony of this now makes me laugh, because the place where I grew up had an atmosphere of everything but freedom. It was redneck, rigid and very conformist. Anyway, I still remember the first day I wore it to school. As a highly sensitive person, every single day at school was a challenge for me.

The school vibe made me tense as soon as I stepped on to the school bus each morning. And by the time I arrived at the school, I felt like I could barely breathe.

I remember sitting at my desk, and one of the cute popular girls came over and stood in front of me. “May you always have the freedom to be yourself” she read out loud in a slightly mocking tone. “Hmph,” she said, and walked away.

It's wonderful how these early imprints affect the way we respond to the world as we progress through our lives. I'm happy to have had all of these experiences in my early years, because I realize that without knowing how uncomfortable it is to not be able to express myself fully, I wouldn't have strived so hard to find ways to be able to be my authentic self.

Love is a strong component of most spiritual belief systems. My own interest in spirituality was sparked by a moment of strong desire to learn how to be in service to love in the most meaningful way for myself in this lifetime.

I still remember the moment clearly. I was 30, and had just watched the documentary movie Bowling for Columbine, directed by Michael Moore. For me this documentary inspired a moment of clarity, as I realized, there is nothing I can do for others that would be as meaningful as learning how to be in service to love.

I know this desire could have manifested many different ways of me learning how to love others, but I am also happy to have this experience, of being so intimately bound up in other's experience of happiness through physical pleasure.

When giving massage, I took my role in giving others this kind of happiness very seriously. My intention for them to feel happy through a sensual experience was for them to feel their own connection with divinity, in whatever path was in accord with their personal beliefs.

I wanted them to feel like magic was real, and that they deserved to be a witness to its becoming. I wanted them to feel strong in their faith that love is present and yet it requires nothing from them but to respond in kind. I wanted them to have pure moments of happiness.

(the inverse soliloquy, transverse to the moment of truth, under the guise of luminosity my awareness is always evolving and pulling old forms asunder)...

A map to the energy of massage- the chakras:

The root chakra is described as our grounding, and our connection to our physical place in the world as well as everything that accompanies this.

The sacral chakra responds to the world around us through relationship. The sacral chakra guides all of our relationships, but is particularly active in sexual relationships and how we express our creativity in the world.

How our sacral chakra is activated is registered in our solar plexus, so when we have a positive experience of our own authentic expression we feel empowered by this and are able to move in the world with a greater sense of integrity.

This integrity helps us value ourself and so in kind we respond to others through our heart chakra with more love and compassion. We forgive easier. We use our heart energy to be discerning rather than judging others. This affects our throat chakra in that we are able to express love easier, as well as expressing our emotions and boundaries with greater equanimity.

When we are able to discern our own inner personal truth, our third eye chakra is activated and we can sense others with a more loving perception, which then activates more harmony between ourselves and the love frequency of the universe, and our crown chakra begins to open and we become our fullest potential.

The sacral chakra = as the energy centre of sensuality, sexuality, relationships and our creative expression. I feel the sacral chakra energy as underpinning, a sort of gravity to the reservoir of inner truth. Like a miniature gong between our sexual urges and our gut instinct, the sacral chakra observes our inner dialogue with an eye toward our own authenticity.

The way I sense sexual urges is like a sonar, the way whales and dolphins communicate. Or like echolocation in bats. Sexual urges emit frequencies like a pulse, and when we find a match it is like getting a “hit” in our sacral chakra energy.

The information is coming from the outside, and connecting with our own inner energy centre. In contrast, our instincts are so deeply ingrained. Instead of calling them instincts, we might correctly identify this inner prompt as our karma.

We have karma with everything in our experience, but we have stronger karma with some things, some people, more than others. When we have strong karma with someone and then meet them in this life, we will feel a strong pull toward them. They could feel either an attraction or something else toward us, depending on their karma.

We always have a choice in how we respond to the way others feel about us. Ideally, we will move toward a more equanimous response to everyone, and in this way, create harmonious karma with everyone we meet.

As humans, we find the love in our hearts by learning how to express our authenticity. It's so uncomfortable to be someone we aren't. It's uncomfortable to repress aspects of ourselves that we feel express the real us, and for which we really want to be seen, known and valued.

Or to pretend to be someone we aren't so other people will like us. This can create a despondency for life which is like a spiritual death. Spiritually, we continue to strive for that feeling of connection.

Inside of this despondency, we know that our authentic self has value, and that it wants to be seen, but we don't know how to complete this energetic circuit between our inner energy centre of authentic creative expression, our sacral chakra, and the outer world we are relating to, including in relationship to other people.

Sometimes, this desire to be seen for who we really are creates the need to connect sexually with others, because at the energetic level we want to be held in a space of honour for our authenticity, which is the core energy of the sacral chakra, the seat of our sexual expression.

Over the years I have seen various aspects of this disconnection between one's perceived value and the lack of reciprocity for this value by others, showing up in many different ways but always leading to the man who doesn't feel valued wanting to feel seen by someone.

Caveat- some men look for connections outside of their relationships because they have deeper emotional issues and they aren't able to have vulnerable connections; this is not what I'm describing here.

Through sensual massage I found I could provide a space for others to find their own way to healing their sacral chakra. I offered authentic caring connection, and I valued others for their authentic self expression.

Because I wasn't asking for them to be anything in particular, one aspect of my massage my repeat clients valued was the open space where they could express who themselves.

Sexual expression is something so many people are a little apprehensive to talk about openly. It's like our own sexuality can be a bit daunting to look at, probably because these urges can become so strong that they make us do things that feel a little bit out of character.

Things that we might regret, and when we feel foolish about our actions we just set that behaviour apart from ourselves, feeling that if we don't look at it, it isn't a part of us.

This is why, sometimes, people need a space to be vulnerable and express who they are through sensual pleasure. A focus on the liminal between where they get caught in the everyday and the horizon to what they feel in their deepest passions.

Because what I offer to my clients rides right along the edge of sexual experience- it isn't fully sexual, but it also isn't something you could do out in the open, in plain sight.

Within the parameters of my boundaries, it is whatever my client needs to feel alive, to feel excited, to feel free to be their authentic self.

This is what a session with my clients looks like. Of course they are all different, but this is a general overview.

Most often I meet my clients at a studio I rent in a commercial building. Sometimes I go to a client's hotel room, or home. This makes some people nervous, when I tell them that I do this. But my safety is never in question. I never felt unsafe.

First of all, men are very transparent when it comes to their level of creepiness. It's like creepy guys don't actually have a filter; they think they are totally appropriate.

So I just don't answer creepy texts, and if a guy starts to sound creepy on the phone I hang up and block the number. Secondly, the services I offer in the way I offer them don't attract creepy guy attention. In the world of what I do, I am so vanilla. So clean.

I make sure guys who want to see me have watched the video I made to introduce myself, or have looked at my website, or both. In both of which I describe what I'm about. Which is what I'm going to share with you now.

So to start, I take off most of my clothes. A lot of people who find women attractive like how I look, and guys are very visually stimulated. And because I intend to take them on a spiritual journey, they need to be happily aroused, and feeling good.

It's interesting to me, that one of the aspects of this interaction that I have noticed over the years, is the feeling the guy has when he has been able to make this initial connection with me.

It's like a win for him, even before I have touched him. They often look at me like, yes. I've succeeded. Here she is. In my presence. Hurrah.

And of course the feeling of anticipation, which leads to the guy sometimes telling me that he respects my boundaries, and to please tell him if he steps over the line, and that I am very attractive.

And sometimes he will share an aspect of what I have said on my video or website that really resonated for him- that I value connection, or what I say about energy.

I will talk about these aspects of my massage in the next edition of my zine, when I discuss the history of sacred sex work and why I feel this work still- possibly now more than ever- has value in the world.

This feeling, the man's excitement, his anticipation, creates a vibe in the space around- this is what I have learned to connect with, and to amplify with my open hearted quest to be someone who he can connect to and feel stronger and more himself through the connection.

The energy this interaction between us creates is an underlying tone, almost imperceptible, but I feel it as a continuity that builds through the massage- the feeling of conquest and success, the feeling of personal agency to look after himself and his need for intimacy.

Masculine energy wants to make an impact, and to be valued for his contribution. If this vibe isn't set at the beginning of the session, if the guy feels weak or ineffective, the session will not go well at all.

The vibe I naturally emanate is helpful to this dynamic because I am very receptive and open hearted. I am the kind of person who trusts people implicitly, until they show me a reason to not trust them.

I want to love others, and I want to see reasons and opportunities to show them love; I'm not skeptical and defensive. Counter to this aspect of myself, doing this work has helped me to be more discerning and to see the red flags in people's behaviour patterns so I am able to stop interacting with them before anything happens that would put me at a disadvantage.

I'm grateful, because it's made me into a person who is still open hearted and loving, but now I have a deeper wisdom about human nature. I know some people don't respect love when it's close up to them. Sometimes you have to love by stopping the conversation, and ending the connection.

Back to what happens in a session. So, as I am taking off my clothes, the guy is also getting undressed. We chat while we are doing this, it's quite friendly and casual, I like to keep it light. Because the guy knows he won't be having sex with me, this act of undressing in front of each other has an interesting vibe; it's almost playful, and innocent.

Guys appreciate me, but also respect my boundaries. It's a fine thing to be in the presence of male energy that wants to honour the feminine in me. This dynamic allows me to be super sweet and caring, as well as receptive to the protective essence of male energy.

What I have noticed is, within interpersonal dynamics, we aren't always mindful of how the energy we show up in gives space for reciprocation for the other person to match us in kind.

Doing massage has really helped me to see this aspect of interpersonal relationships. When feminine energy softens and allows the masculine energy to be who they naturally tend to be, the masculine will take charge to create a sense of safety.

Usually clients will tell me that they are aware of what my boundaries are and to let them know if they do something to cross them, as a way of demonstrating they care about me being comfortable with them.

I've never had a client try to overpower me, to physically dominate me or make me do something I wasn't comfortable doing. Like I said before, I take precautions not to see clients who might do this, but I also feel that my energy simply won't allow it.

So when we are both undressed- I wear my panties, my client is nude- my client gets on the massage table and I begin to massage him. Doing this has really helped me feel into unconditional love.

From all the years of my experience doing this, I can massage any body, from sleek and muscular to old and hairy and overweight, and feel the same in either experience.

I'm good at giving massage, especially after all of these years. I really care about people, which is felt in my touch. Clients often say that my hands feel very loving, or that my touch is very sensual.

One time someone described me as a “sensual savant”, which I found to a sort of a hilarious way to describe my energy. But I am very sensual.

I attribute this to how much I care about people. I really do care. I remember my mom telling me when I was a child to not worry so much about others. But I can't stop caring about other people, and over the years the amount I care about others hasn't diminished.

I really want the guy on my massage table to feel good. I want him to feel like someone cares about him and his well being.

Sometimes I talk to them as I massage them. Sometimes I don't, because they don't seem like they want to talk. I feel it out. If I don't talk to them while I'm massaging them, I say mantras or prayers for them, and then just space out and let the energy flow through me.

I massage the back of his full body, and then ask him to roll over on to his front. Then I massage his chest, his temples, a bit of his face. I give him a hand job to finish the massage.

This is the part when the massage becomes more sensual. I smile at him. I be playful. I'm charming and flirty. It's a delicate dance; I'm open in my energy but not in my body.

I can be as playful as a one woman bra and panty tickle fight, but not give too much of my body over to him. I often let them touch me a bit, and the amount varies with each client.

Sensual touch feels good, and so I don't mind, but I draw the line at too sexual. And what I am good at is creating a vibe- the super playful receptive but still honouring my own body kind of vibe.

I am seductive without portraying myself as being tempted to go further. It's like through balancing the finesse of this energy I can amplify the guys sensual energy so he doesn't need to have sex to have an orgasm.

My experience with clients makes me realize how much people are mirrors for others. When I can hold a mirror of complete and unconditional love and acceptance for someone, I allow them to be aware of their own sensual energy.

Which is in essence their creative self, as our sensuality is very connected to our creativity. When I have a client who is disconnected from his sensuality, the transformation in his energy from the time he arrives to when he leaves is visible in his physical presence. Indeed, every guy leaves with an more confidence and vitality.

People glow up after having an experience of feeling the reflection of their own sensual energy. It is the experience of touch, closeness, intimacy, connection, and the delicate balance between my own energy and my acceptance of who they are showing me they are while being witness to their own subjective experience.

Because I am not judging them, I don't need them to be any particular way. I don't need them to be anything for me. From my side, all they need to do is feel what they are feeling and ride that high until they orgasm.

It's a powerful experience because the orgasm releases serotonin and dopamine in the brain, and so as they experience this alongside the vulnerability of showing up for who they are without any filter that says they need to be a certain way to make this relationship function, they can be transformed by their own experience of self.

An aspect of codependent relationships is that we operate from an implied mutual agreement which is-

that we share an understanding with the other person, and that within the relationship, neither person strays from this understanding.

When we first meet someone and begin to form a close friendship or a romantic connection, the tendency is to become bonded through shared experience and shared perspectives. The way we understand the world resonates with the other person, and we feel seen and known for who we are at a deep core level.

But if we make this feeling a condition for the success or failure of the relationship, and hold the other person to this conditionality, we don't give the relationship space to expand our personal definition of ourself, and to grow through our experience of being connected to another person with their own way of being in the world.

Relationships are such incredible opportunities to develop our hearts and our minds, as we find our inner capacity to be someone who loves and supports others. The relationships I value most in my life are the ones where others become a witness to my individuality, and my authentic expression.

No one can really ever understand who we are inside, and they aren't meant to understand us fully. This understanding is between us and whatever we know as our spiritual connection. All creativity is born in this space, between our vulnerable authentic truth as we access a divine awareness.

The space between our self and our connection to something greater than ourselves can never be perfectly known, but when we reach for the knowing of this with our unique perspective we access our most beautiful creative expression.

Love.

May you know all the ways love becomes joyful authenticity within you.